This Unicorn Changed the Way I Poop

This is where your ice cream comes from–

[Squatty Potty Unicorn]

– the creamy poop of a mystic unicorn. Totally clean, totally cool, and soft-served straight from a sphincter. Mmm. They’re good at pooping. But you know who sucks at pooping? You do. That’s ’cause when you sit on the porcelain throne, this muscle put a kink in the hose and stops the (Ben & Jerry’s) from sliding out smoothly. Is that a problem? I don’t know, are hemorrhoids a problem? ‘Cause sitting at this angle can cause hemorrhoids, bloating, constipation, and a buttload of other crap. And seriously, unicorn hemorrhoids? – The glitter gets everywhere.

[Squatty Potty Unicorn]

But what happens when you go from a sit to a squat?

[Squatty Potty Unicorn]

Voila– the muscle relaxes and that kink goes away faster than Pegasus laying a sweet sherbet dookie. Now your colon’s open and ready for battle. That’s ’cause our bodies were made to poop in a squat. And now there’s a product that lets you squat in your own home.

Introducing the Squatty Potty. No, Squatty Potty is not a joke. And yes, it will give you the best poop of your life, guaranteed. I don’t just mean you bloated lords and hemorrhoidal ladies — I mean everyone.

Kink Unkink. Kink, unkink. It’s simple science really.

Can’t get the last scoop out of the carton?

With the Squatty Potty you get complete elimination.

Spend too much time on the chamber pot?

Squatty Potty makes you go twice as fast, or your money back.

I scream, you scream, and plop plop, baby. Maybe you’re sore from squeezing out solid globs of rocky road.

The Squatty Potty gives you a smooth stream of froyo that glides like a virgin swan.

Plus when you’re done, it tucks neatly out of sight, thanks to its innovative patented design. Truly a footstool fit for a constipated king!

So if you’re a human being who poops from your butt, click here to order your Squatty Potty today at You’ll wish you tried it years ago.

And if you don’t trust a prince, how about your Doctor? Shark Tank? HuffPost? NPR? Men’s Health? Howard Stern?–He poops from his butt.

They’re all crazy about the Squatty Potty. Not to mention the 2,000 Amazon users who gave the Squatty Potty 5 stars, including the author of this moving haiku:

Squatty Potty Unicorn Haiku
Squatty Potty Unicorn Haiku
[Squatty Potty Unicorn]
“Oh Squatty Potty
You fill me with endless joy
Yet leave me empty.”

So order your Squatty Potty today. I’m not saying it will make your poop as soft as this cookies’n’cream. But I’m not saying it won’t.

Squatty Potty. The stool for better stools.

Pooping will never be the same… And neither will ice cream.

[Prince:] “I got one for you. Very good.”
[Prince:] “How does that taste? Is that delicious?”
[Prince:] “Is that the best thing you ever had in your life?”
[Child:] “Uh huh.”
[Prince:] “There you are.”